I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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