turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
