Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
