I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
