Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
