Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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