I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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