if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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