Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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