imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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