the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
