considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
