You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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