I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize