apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
