I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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