Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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