I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Randomize
