That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
