3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
