i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Randomize
