he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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