Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
i may or may not be watching the land before time
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
