You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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