You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
