Will you blow on my dice?
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
