she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
We need a shit load of segways right now
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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