i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
