Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
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