some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Ketchup is God's man juice
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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