You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
You are the jesus of drinking
Randomize
