i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
