if i can run in heels then i can drive
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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