I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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