You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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