don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
