I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
