The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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