so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
