My sheets look like a crime scene.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I lost the right to judge tonight
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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