Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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