So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
