I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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