ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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