I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
