I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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