my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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