oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
