dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
