I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
