So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
