I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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