Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
