My liver just broke up with me...
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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