why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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