I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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