i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
