omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize
