Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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