how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
if only i could text you this smell
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
