Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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